This Blog hAS MOVED

Yeah, I moved it. New stuff will be at http://stuffmygirlfriendsays.tumblr.com/

Thanks for reading here. I hope you'll follow at the new location.

Okkervil River was playing on the stereo while we were having sexytime.

Can you turn that off? It makes me worry you might be pretending I'm a dude.

She said she had a sore tummy. I asked if it had to do with the Indian food she ate last night

Yes. It should be poop by now.

All I did was mention that there was nothing on TV

Put on 'Merlin'. You LOVE gay shit.

Monetize

Hey if that blog about me was on Tumblr, you'd have a book deal by now.

I said 'Those shoes are sexy, you should leave them on when we shag"

Yeah, but to get in you'll need to cut a hole in my tights. Two holes, if you're lucky.

On seeing me bend over naked

Whoa! It's like going out the back of a butcher's store – all that swinging meat!

On prerequisites

I can't fall in love with someone until I know they're good at boning. It's a relationship, not an apprenticeship.

On bodily gases

I find it very disconcerting when they smell like KFC. I'm like "hey, weren't you meant to go through some kind of process?"

On the subject of attraction

Yeah, that's the thing with people from {NAME OF CITY}, they date ugly people so they seem like they're deep.

On why she was not going to wear a bra that day

Because my boobs are awesome and they must be free to point at the sky!

On her seeming lack of enthusiasm while she prepared coffee in the nude

"You get enthusiasm, or you get boobs. You don't get both."

On me turning down sex because I had to go to work

That boner is wasted on you, you fucking killjoy.

On a foreigner we know who is traveling through Australia

She is gonna back up on so much random dick it's incredible.

On seeing me drink gin and cranberry

What's that fag drink? Strawberry anus delight?

On seeing my morning bed-head

What's up, 80s-bad-guy-hair?

On watching me in the mornings

"I love watching you get dressed. You're so cute. Like a monkey playing with Lego."

On a method of determining the size of a vagina.

In echoes! A big one is three echoes!

On a particularly bad dive bar.

I have been sitting in the carpark for ten minutes trying to uncurl my nose!

On leaving me alone for a few weeks

Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.

On noticing a blemish on my face

"Look we have matching zits! Awwwwwwww! Let's make then KISS! MWAH!

On getting the milk from the cow

'I'd just cut it out. Easier.'

On the subject of milk, and the lack of it in the house for coffee, I asked her 'Do you know what we should do?'

"Buy a cow?"

On hearing that some people don't drink when they go out to meet people

 I look forward to hearing about the mating rituals of this fascinating tribe of non-drinking folk. I, for one, don't have much hope for the survival of their species.

On seeing the new Carlton Kressley show where he teaches women to love their bodies.

I want to have a tv show like that. I will say, "STOP BEING FAT" and whenever the women try to eat, I will zap them with a cattle prod. When they are a size 6, they'll thank me.