Stuff my girlfriend says

This Blog hAS MOVED

2009-05-25T02:43:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I moved it. New stuff will be at http://stuffmygirlfriendsays.tumblr.com/

Thanks for reading here. I hope you'll follow at the new location.

Okkervil River was playing on the stereo while we were having sexytime.

2009-05-17T01:08:00.001-07:00

Can you turn that off? It makes me worry you might be pretending I'm a dude.

She said she had a sore tummy. I asked if it had to do with the Indian food she ate last night

2009-05-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

Yes. It should be poop by now.

All I did was mention that there was nothing on TV

2009-05-10T02:52:00.000-07:00

Put on 'Merlin'. You LOVE gay shit.

Monetize

2009-05-08T23:58:00.000-07:00

Hey if that blog about me was on Tumblr, you'd have a book deal by now.

I said 'Those shoes are sexy, you should leave them on when we shag"

2009-05-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, but to get in you'll need to cut a hole in my tights. Two holes, if you're lucky.

On seeing me bend over naked

2009-05-08T23:52:00.001-07:00

Whoa! It's like going out the back of a butcher's store – all that swinging meat!

On prerequisites

2009-04-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

I can't fall in love with someone until I know they're good at boning. It's a relationship, not an apprenticeship.

On bodily gases

2009-04-23T05:50:00.000-07:00

I find it very disconcerting when they smell like KFC. I'm like "hey, weren't you meant to go through some kind of process?"

On the subject of attraction

2009-04-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's the thing with people from {NAME OF CITY}, they date ugly people so they seem like they're deep.

On why she was not going to wear a bra that day

2009-03-16T23:04:00.001-07:00

Because my boobs are awesome and they must be free to point at the sky!

On her seeming lack of enthusiasm while she prepared coffee in the nude

2009-03-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

"You get enthusiasm, or you get boobs. You don't get both."

On me turning down sex because I had to go to work

2009-02-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

That boner is wasted on you, you fucking killjoy.

On a foreigner we know who is traveling through Australia

2009-01-26T21:44:00.000-08:00

She is gonna back up on so much random dick it's incredible.

On seeing me drink gin and cranberry

2009-01-23T04:03:00.000-08:00

What's that fag drink? Strawberry anus delight?

On seeing my morning bed-head

2009-01-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

What's up, 80s-bad-guy-hair?

On watching me in the mornings

2008-07-30T18:54:00.001-07:00

"I love watching you get dressed. You're so cute. Like a monkey playing with Lego."

On a method of determining the size of a vagina.

2008-07-02T03:03:00.001-07:00

In echoes! A big one is three echoes!

On a particularly bad dive bar.

2008-06-09T20:07:00.001-07:00

I have been sitting in the carpark for ten minutes trying to uncurl my nose!

On leaving me alone for a few weeks

2008-05-27T17:25:00.001-07:00

Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.

On noticing a blemish on my face

2008-05-27T17:24:00.001-07:00

"Look we have matching zits! Awwwwwwww! Let's make then KISS! MWAH!

On getting the milk from the cow

2008-05-26T14:25:00.001-07:00

'I'd just cut it out. Easier.'

On the subject of milk, and the lack of it in the house for coffee, I asked her 'Do you know what we should do?'

2008-05-26T14:23:00.001-07:00

"Buy a cow?"

On hearing that some people don't drink when they go out to meet people

2008-05-12T15:23:00.001-07:00

I look forward to hearing about the mating rituals of this fascinating tribe of non-drinking folk. I, for one, don't have much hope for the survival of their species.

On seeing the new Carlton Kressley show where he teaches women to love their bodies.

2008-05-04T18:37:00.001-07:00

I want to have a tv show like that. I will say, "STOP BEING FAT" and whenever the women try to eat, I will zap them with a cattle prod. When they are a size 6, they'll thank me.

On eating a bowl of muesli

2008-04-29T14:57:00.001-07:00

I have to eat this so I can poop us both out a granola bar.

On handing a piece of KFC to me as I drive

2008-03-30T21:12:00.001-07:00

Here! I got you a flipper!

On seeing an asian guy who looked like our friend Jerome.

2008-03-26T22:30:00.001-07:00

"Hey, there's Jelome!"

On seeing a picture of me and my friend posing in suits

2008-03-18T05:16:00.001-07:00

"This is gayer than Liberace fisting Tom Cruise at an Erasure concert."

On hearing other women complaining about the pain of a bikini wax.

2008-03-17T17:07:00.001-07:00

'I have a VAG OF STEEL!'

On ripping stuff off

2008-03-17T01:27:00.001-07:00

"What if this blog of yours just shows that I 'unintentionally' plagiarise comedians?'

On finding a much older but similar website to this one.

2008-03-16T22:46:00.001-07:00

Hey! Someone stole your idea!

*** here's the other site - http://thingsmygirlfriendsaid.blogspot.com/ ***

On being told by someone that they hate alarm clocks

2008-03-14T14:51:00.001-07:00

"Sucks to be you. When I hear the alarm, I think, "YAY, SEX!" and then, "YAY, COFFEE!". I love mornings."

On reputation management

2008-03-13T18:27:00.001-07:00

"If you're going to have that blog at least have a pic up of me so people know I'm not an ugly fatty!"

On bisexual men

2008-03-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

"I am like the Starship Enterprise. I like to go where no man has gone before."

On the timing of a cool change

2008-03-13T13:37:00.001-07:00

"Of course the weather turns to shit for Easter. Wouldn't want Zombie Jesus cooking on the cross!"

On lesbians

2008-03-13T13:33:00.000-07:00

"Chicks are a hassle. If I were a lesbian I'd just throw the chick a vibrator and an economy size pack of batteries and tell her to have at it while I went shopping. Wait, that sounds like the perfect relationship!"

On the shape of her pubic hair after a trip to the waxer

2008-03-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

"You know who else had a bikini wax? HITLER"

On seeing a larger than normal number of drunks and vagrants on our street

2008-03-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

"Man, someone shook up the antfarm!"

On the perambulatory habits of Asians

2008-03-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

"All sidewalks in the city should have a designated Asians lane. Old people and retards would have to use it too."

On finding out that I was doing this blog...

2008-03-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

"No way fucker! I'm not being the Carl Pilkington to your Ricky Gervais!"

On the benefits of pineapple juice.

2008-03-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

"I love pineapple juice so much. If I was a dude would have the best tasting spooge ever."