On leaving me alone for a few weeks

Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.

On noticing a blemish on my face

"Look we have matching zits! Awwwwwwww! Let's make then KISS! MWAH!

On getting the milk from the cow

'I'd just cut it out. Easier.'

On the subject of milk, and the lack of it in the house for coffee, I asked her 'Do you know what we should do?'

"Buy a cow?"

On hearing that some people don't drink when they go out to meet people

 I look forward to hearing about the mating rituals of this fascinating tribe of non-drinking folk. I, for one, don't have much hope for the survival of their species.

On seeing the new Carlton Kressley show where he teaches women to love their bodies.

I want to have a tv show like that. I will say, "STOP BEING FAT" and whenever the women try to eat, I will zap them with a cattle prod. When they are a size 6, they'll thank me.