On watching me in the mornings

"I love watching you get dressed. You're so cute. Like a monkey playing with Lego."

On a method of determining the size of a vagina.

In echoes! A big one is three echoes!

On a particularly bad dive bar.

I have been sitting in the carpark for ten minutes trying to uncurl my nose!

On leaving me alone for a few weeks

Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.

On noticing a blemish on my face

"Look we have matching zits! Awwwwwwww! Let's make then KISS! MWAH!

On getting the milk from the cow

'I'd just cut it out. Easier.'

On the subject of milk, and the lack of it in the house for coffee, I asked her 'Do you know what we should do?'

"Buy a cow?"

On hearing that some people don't drink when they go out to meet people

 I look forward to hearing about the mating rituals of this fascinating tribe of non-drinking folk. I, for one, don't have much hope for the survival of their species.

On seeing the new Carlton Kressley show where he teaches women to love their bodies.

I want to have a tv show like that. I will say, "STOP BEING FAT" and whenever the women try to eat, I will zap them with a cattle prod. When they are a size 6, they'll thank me.

On eating a bowl of muesli

I have to eat this so I can poop us both out a granola bar.

On handing a piece of KFC to me as I drive

Here! I got you a flipper!

On seeing an asian guy who looked like our friend Jerome.

"Hey, there's Jelome!"

On seeing a picture of me and my friend posing in suits

"This is gayer than Liberace fisting Tom Cruise at an Erasure concert."

On hearing other women complaining about the pain of a bikini wax.

'I have a VAG OF STEEL!'

On ripping stuff off

"What if this blog of yours just shows that I 'unintentionally' plagiarise comedians?'

On finding a much older but similar website to this one.

Hey! Someone stole your idea!


*** here's the other site - http://thingsmygirlfriendsaid.blogspot.com/ ***

On being told by someone that they hate alarm clocks

"Sucks to be you. When I hear the alarm, I think, "YAY, SEX!" and then, "YAY, COFFEE!". I love mornings."

On reputation management

"If you're going to have that blog at least have a pic up of me so people know I'm not an ugly fatty!"

On bisexual men

"I am like the Starship Enterprise. I like to go where no man has gone before."

On the timing of a cool change

"Of course the weather turns to shit for Easter. Wouldn't want Zombie Jesus cooking on the cross!"

On lesbians

"Chicks are a hassle. If I were a lesbian I'd just throw the chick a vibrator and an economy size pack of batteries and tell her to have at it while I went shopping. Wait, that sounds like the perfect relationship!"

On the shape of her pubic hair after a trip to the waxer

"You know who else had a bikini wax? HITLER"

On seeing a larger than normal number of drunks and vagrants on our street

"Man, someone shook up the antfarm!"

On the perambulatory habits of Asians

"All sidewalks in the city should have a designated Asians lane. Old people and retards would have to use it too."

On finding out that I was doing this blog...

"No way fucker! I'm not being the Carl Pilkington to your Ricky Gervais!"

On the benefits of pineapple juice.

"I love pineapple juice so much. If I was a dude would have the best tasting spooge ever."