On handing a piece of KFC to me as I drive

Here! I got you a flipper!

On seeing an asian guy who looked like our friend Jerome.

"Hey, there's Jelome!"

On seeing a picture of me and my friend posing in suits

"This is gayer than Liberace fisting Tom Cruise at an Erasure concert."

On hearing other women complaining about the pain of a bikini wax.

'I have a VAG OF STEEL!'

On ripping stuff off

"What if this blog of yours just shows that I 'unintentionally' plagiarise comedians?'

On finding a much older but similar website to this one.

Hey! Someone stole your idea!


*** here's the other site - http://thingsmygirlfriendsaid.blogspot.com/ ***

On being told by someone that they hate alarm clocks

"Sucks to be you. When I hear the alarm, I think, "YAY, SEX!" and then, "YAY, COFFEE!". I love mornings."

On reputation management

"If you're going to have that blog at least have a pic up of me so people know I'm not an ugly fatty!"

On bisexual men

"I am like the Starship Enterprise. I like to go where no man has gone before."

On the timing of a cool change

"Of course the weather turns to shit for Easter. Wouldn't want Zombie Jesus cooking on the cross!"

On lesbians

"Chicks are a hassle. If I were a lesbian I'd just throw the chick a vibrator and an economy size pack of batteries and tell her to have at it while I went shopping. Wait, that sounds like the perfect relationship!"

On the shape of her pubic hair after a trip to the waxer

"You know who else had a bikini wax? HITLER"

On seeing a larger than normal number of drunks and vagrants on our street

"Man, someone shook up the antfarm!"

On the perambulatory habits of Asians

"All sidewalks in the city should have a designated Asians lane. Old people and retards would have to use it too."

On finding out that I was doing this blog...

"No way fucker! I'm not being the Carl Pilkington to your Ricky Gervais!"

On the benefits of pineapple juice.

"I love pineapple juice so much. If I was a dude would have the best tasting spooge ever."