Monday, May 25, 2009

This Blog hAS MOVED

Yeah, I moved it. New stuff will be at http://stuffmygirlfriendsays.tumblr.com/

Thanks for reading here. I hope you'll follow at the new location.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Okkervil River was playing on the stereo while we were having sexytime.

Can you turn that off? It makes me worry you might be pretending I'm a dude.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Friday, May 8, 2009

Monetize

Hey if that blog about me was on Tumblr, you'd have a book deal by now.

I said 'Those shoes are sexy, you should leave them on when we shag"

Yeah, but to get in you'll need to cut a hole in my tights. Two holes, if you're lucky.

On seeing me bend over naked

Whoa! It's like going out the back of a butcher's store – all that swinging meat!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

On prerequisites

I can't fall in love with someone until I know they're good at boning. It's a relationship, not an apprenticeship.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

On bodily gases

I find it very disconcerting when they smell like KFC. I'm like "hey, weren't you meant to go through some kind of process?"

Sunday, April 12, 2009

On the subject of attraction

Yeah, that's the thing with people from {NAME OF CITY}, they date ugly people so they seem like they're deep.

Monday, March 16, 2009

On why she was not going to wear a bra that day

Because my boobs are awesome and they must be free to point at the sky!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Thursday, February 5, 2009

On me turning down sex because I had to go to work

That boner is wasted on you, you fucking killjoy.

Monday, January 26, 2009

On a foreigner we know who is traveling through Australia

She is gonna back up on so much random dick it's incredible.

Friday, January 23, 2009

On seeing me drink gin and cranberry

What's that fag drink? Strawberry anus delight?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

On watching me in the mornings

"I love watching you get dressed. You're so cute. Like a monkey playing with Lego."

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Monday, June 9, 2008

On a particularly bad dive bar.

I have been sitting in the carpark for ten minutes trying to uncurl my nose!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

On leaving me alone for a few weeks

Ok here's where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.

On noticing a blemish on my face

"Look we have matching zits! Awwwwwwww! Let's make then KISS! MWAH!

Monday, May 12, 2008

On hearing that some people don't drink when they go out to meet people

 I look forward to hearing about the mating rituals of this fascinating tribe of non-drinking folk. I, for one, don't have much hope for the survival of their species.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

On seeing the new Carlton Kressley show where he teaches women to love their bodies.

I want to have a tv show like that. I will say, "STOP BEING FAT" and whenever the women try to eat, I will zap them with a cattle prod. When they are a size 6, they'll thank me.